Thoughts... what else?

have you ever tried to manufacture feelings for someone or something in order to add depth when none was there before? well i've tried to do that. i tried to make myself hate someone so that i could write songs about it... it worked for a short amount of time but now i find myself realizing that those feelings of hatred aren't there, they never were there and they never will be. i can't loathe someone that i don't, it's just not something that i do. i can's love someone for the sake of loving them, i can't have sex with someone just for the joy of having sex, for the simple reason that there needs to be something there, in order to have sex there needs to be mutual love there or else it's like masturbating and completely unrewarding, at least that's my take on the subject matter.

i need something to happen, so that i can write some songs, so that i can reorder my creativity. when i speak of something i mean something emotionally, something that has the potential to engulf me, to suck me in and not let me out. like after i realized that Andrea was gone, that gave me quite a bit of material, or when i grew tired of history; i wrote my favorite song after i realized that. i'll be going to Denver in about 6 weeks, so that'll give me something to write about.

perspective girlfriends/ prospects/ girls i think about from time to time: zero....

man Kansas is boring.... i'll be getting out of here once i get through with college. start a band, be in a band with a member of the 27 club and be on VH1 because of it. i just have to get my masters before i decide to do that, that way i'll have something to talk about.


why do i tell Andrea everything? i was wondering that question yesterday.

i came up with an answer: i regard her as my best friend, or at least the closest thing that i've had to a best friend in my life. i tell her everything because i feel comfortable talking to her, because i love her- not in the bf gf sense, but in the way you love your family, in the way you love your pets, in the way you love you friend's children- i love her in the sense that i'd do anything for her because i care; it's not so much love, love should be stricken from the record. i tell her everything because i care and although she doesn't tell me anything i can tell her everything because i know she'll understand where it's coming from. it's just hard when it's not mutual- this whole stream of consciousness thing brings out somethings that my conscious doesn't regard as true, but my subconscious must because why would i type it if it wasn't something that i felt or have felt?


And so it goes....

some songs... some old, some new

Over the past while I’ve been writing songs…. So here are some of them

In the Morning

Take you out in the morning

That’s when you’re beautiful

Without your paint

I’ll show you to the world

Looking the best in your own skin

Lying under the stars

Listen to your heartbeat

I don’t want to spoil this

You’re beautiful when you sleep

Last night hanging

Up the phone

But calling back

Just to hear your sigh

How am I the guy

That has caught your eye?

To have my arm a-round

Your waist

I just wish that I

Could have a taste

Of what you are keeping inside

Kiss you on your forehead

My lips just aren’t

Worthy of yours

At least not at the present time

Swim With Me

Don’t’ you want to swim with me?

Open up your eyes, you’ll see

Let your mind go free

Spread your wings, you’re free

Let the wind take you

Away from here

Don’t let your eyes deceive you

Just take the words

From me

The path,

The one we’re running down

Is not your own

It was blazed by

Some old man

Many centuries ago

She wanted to

You’re beautiful

Don’t let them take

That away from me

Don’t move your eyes dear

I know it’s hard

But I’ve just got to find

The end of your eyes

Just keep your eyes locked on mine

And we’ll swing from here

And we won’t fear

Don’t you want to stay with me?

Grow old this way with me?

You can never die

We can hold our eyes

But if we could only see

What lies in front of me,

Then you’d know what keeps

Me coming back to you

Don’t Have Many Secrets

I don’t have many secrets

And I don’t have many friends

Maybe you could be one of them

Secret friends until the end

Secret friends until the end

Smothered by your endless infatuation

I can’t get a clean injection

Do you care

For my affection?

Let us serve as some lesson

To this horrible situation,

Like being in love with you

Like being in love with you

Like being in love with you

Well I don’t have many secrets

And I don’t have many friends

Maybe you could be one of them

Secret friends until the end

How does that sound

On your grave?

Smothered by your endless infatuation

I can’t get a clean injection

Whatever happened to secret friends?

Don’t you care for me?

I know our friendship’s a secret

But you can care for me

Just touch my hand

So let this serve as a lesson

To the future generations

To this horrible affliction

Like being in love with you

Like being in love with you

Like being in love

With you

Snuff the Candle

Turn your phone off

The battery’s low

Snuff the candle

The kerosene smell

Lingers in the air

Pull your hair back

This won’t take long

To snuff me out

But it will take longer

To erase you from my memories

Take you out in the morning

That’s when you’re beautiful

Without your paint

I’ll show you to the world

Looking the best in your

Own skin

I don’t care, I’ll

Show you to the world

Turn your phone off

The battery’s low

Snuff the candle

The kerosene smell

Lingers in the air

Pull your hair back

It won’t take long

To snuff me out

But it will take longer

To erase you from my memory

It’s been three months

Since I last touched you

But since then I’ve moved on

Then fell right back

And in love with you again

Take you out in the morning

That’s when you’re beautiful

Without our paint I’ll show you

To the world….

Pulse

Whenever she walks

Into the room

I can feel my heartbeat

Other times my pulse

Tells me I’m dead

But it’s whenever she walks

Into the room

I feel my lungs begin to move

It’s like when you see

A long dead movie star

When I see you after

A long day of work

I know I can never

Have you again

Whenver I see that

Ring on your finger

It makes me think

Of what should have been,

What I could’ve been

Whenever I see that cute

Look on your face

I know that it’s

Not gonna go to waste

You’re got it all worked out

In your beautiful mind

It’s amazing to think

You once had time for me

You know I never hurt you

It’s just your best friend

Is the definition of bitch

You know I’d take all those things back

Cause I really do,

Want you back

Whenever she used to walk

Into the room

It used to make my heartbeat

But now all I get

Is the urge

To throw up,

In my mouth

It’s amazing how much

Things change

In months that end in y

That end in y

Off

Turn your phone off

We don’t need the light

Bring a jacket

This’ll take all night

Put your shoes on

We’re gonna walk

Turn your phone off

You don’t need to call

Put your shoes on,

In case you fall

Back in love with me

But it’s not likely

Turn your phone off

We don’t need the light

Put some pants on

It’ll take all night

We’re walking,

We’re walking

Take your frown off

It’ll only bring me down

Since high school

I’ve stuck around

But now it’s gone

Yeah and so am I

And so am I

No Blood, Just Tears

It ended with no bloodshed,

But you still had some tears

Said you needed space to figure

Yourself out

Said that you would call me

When you were ready

I should cut my loss,

Tape my heart up

And just move on,

Figure myself out

But I don’t need that

I know that

We’ll pick things back up

In a few months

I hope we can be fine again

It ended with no bloodshed,

But you still had some tears

Said that you needed

To figure yourself out

You said,

You Said that you would call me

When you were ready

Said that I should cut my loss,

My losses

Tape my heart up

Move on,

Try to.

Figure myself out

But I don’t need that

We’ll pick things up,

Dust them off

Until my fingers go

Right where they belong

I hope we can

Be fine again

Cause all I want

Is to be in love with you again

And to have you love me

Like you once did

Everclear and Pepsi

Everclear and Pepsi both

Symbolize all that’s broke

What can help?

Nothing,

Nothing can help me

You don’t want to remember me

But I can’t forget

I can’t forget you

All my life is trite

And cheap

And a waste

Of space

Life,

Of death

Of your time

Of my death

What do you want?

What do you want?

What do you want?

Nothing

I don’t want anything

No, no, no, no, no,

What do you want?

I want YOU

To love me

What more could you want?

Than me?

I can’t have you

It’s all I want

To love

And believe

In my soul

In my sooooouul

In my sooooouul

Bridal Movie

I keep reading the same books

Hoping for some constant meaning

The things they change,

But I try to keep them the same

I keep waiting for your call

Hoping that we can rekindle

Out long lost love, that once

Was the only thing clear to me

I don’t know what I’m waiting for

Something gone never to return

But I’ll just keep waiting

Maybe time will keep up,

Before I disappear

Lately life has been full of change

I don’t like the things the same

But with you I wish I could

Have stayed back there

The bottom of my memory

The only place

I can disappear

And this story wrote,

And the story wrote keeps

The same meaning

Something deep to drown my fears

Something that will get me moving again

This running movie it has no ending

Just looping the same reel

Till it burns out

Melted by my constant fear

I sit and write to pass the time

Before it all rises again

All these lines run, they fill my head

But it all sounds the same to me

Through my vacant stares

And the book has closed,

The book has closed

And the words

Run and run and run and run and run and

They run and run and run and run and run and

Run and run and run and run and run and

Run and run

Till we all disappear

Letter

I’m writing you this letter

To vent out all the same

Things we’ve gone over

A million times before

So I’m writing you this letter

To reiterate concern

Over your newfound acquaintance

And the care they’re paying you

But don’t let this deter you

Although I know it won’t

But I just wanted to tell you

That I won’t be around,

For long, for long

I’m heading east

To where we said we’d end up

Past the hills, right below the cape

I’m stopping off in Boston

Before I jump the lake

But if this doesn’t reach you

Then it probably never will

This letter in my pocket

The ink runs in the rain

But if they pull me from the ocean

The words are on my lips

But I’ll reach in my pocket

And give you one last kiss

I should have stopped in Boston

I should have turned around

Gone back to the ocean

That I knew as a child

Pick things back up

Get eaten on the web

Start off a new day

Far away from them

I’m sorry that I failed you

That I am too sincere

The second time around

I drowned in my fear

Of losing you again

But I’d do it all again

Jon Fitzgerald Kaleugher II, the good guy who has nothing

I've been told that i'm a "great guy" that I have a "good head on my shoulders." i have nothing wrong with people telling me these things, except for the fact that with these "great attributes" they've gotten me NOWHERE and very slowly. i can't keep the woman of my dreams happy, i can't get straight A's, i can't make more than a handful of friends. in a nutshell i can't do shit with this good head on my shoulders, i haven't been able to do anything with it, at least nothing that will make me love life or at least want to keep going on with it. i bet when they write my eulogy they'll say "Jon was a good man, he didn't do anything wrong and lived a quiet non productive life, giving back exactly what he took, nothing" and that'll be the whole thing.

i guess this all goes back to me not being able to be happy, or at least fool myself into thinking that i'm happy.

well i'm not happy and i know what i want but i can't have it. that's it, that's the story of my life.

it may sound like i'm being an emo kid or something like that, well maybe i am, but that's how i feel right now and you didn't have to read this. although i seriously doubt anyone will read this, that's usually how things work out.

Peace, Love and Empathy



Jon Fitzgerald Kaleugher II
the good guy that has nothing

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The Devoted Lover 59% partner focus, 38% aggressiveness, 50% adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that: You prefer your romance and love to be traditional rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary, you would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own. This places you in the Lover Style of: The Devoted Lover. The Devoted Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and is perhaps the best Lover Style when it comes to developing a long-term, caring and rewarding relationship. The Devoted Lover is a treasure to find, though it is sometimes difficult to time establishing a relationship with one just right; usually, this is the last romantic relationship you'll need to find, so sow any wild oats first. In terms of physical love, the Devoted Lover can be shy at first but gradually warms and eventually can be a thrilling partner who knows every need of his/her partner. Given a strong and loving relationship, and the right lover, the Devoted Lover can be a delight in bed. Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Suave Lover (most of all) or the Classic Lover, or the Carnal Lover. Congratulations! If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in the following: Nerds, Geeks & Dorks Professional Wrestling Buffy the Vampire Slayer America/Politics Thanks Again! -- THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on partner focus You scored higher than 99% on aggressiveness You scored higher than 99% on adventurousness

Link: The Lover Style Profile Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Run

Here's a song that i wrote a few weeks ago

it sounds like Method Acting by Bright Eyes

I keep reading the same books
hoping for some constant meaning
the things they change,
but i try to keep them the same

i keep waiting for your fall
hoping that we can rekindle
our long lost love,
that once was the only thing
clear to me

i don't know what i'm waiting for
something gone never to return
but i'll just keep waiting
maybe time will keep up,
before i disappear

lately life has been full of change
i don't like the things the same
but with you i wish i could
have stayed back there
the bottom of my memory
the only place it belongs
the only place i can disappear

and this story wrote keeps
the same meaning
something deep to drown my fears
something that will get me moving again

this bridal movie it has no ending
just looping the same reel
till it burns out
melted by my constant fear

i sit and write to pass the time
before it rises again
all these lines run
fill my head
but it all sounds the same
through the vacant stares

and the book has closed,
the book has closed
and the words
run and run and run and run and run and
they run and run and run and run and run and
run and run and run and run and run and run and run

till we all disappear

Lauren Graham = smoking hot

over the past week, well i guess ever since i started back at school i have been troubled by an event, not some world event (although there are plenty of those to be troubled by) but an event that i experienced, it involves a girl that i wouldn't mind seeing on a regular basis, it's just that she doesn't see things the same way. Phooey (i didn't realize that that last word was a real one... ) anyways i have been running things through my mind and have come up with a million things i could have done differently, said and there's always the "well i shouldn't have done that anyways" but alas i can't change the past, though i can certainly dwell in it.

another thing that has been on my mind in the past few days is "what makes me so unlikable?" i mean there's got to be something. i mean i may be cocky and arrogant and all that but it's a facade, it helps me hide my insecurities and my lack of self confidence. well with that said although i am those things i don't think that i'm an ugly guy or anything like that, i think i'm a fairly attractive guy, it's just that i don't think anyone else thinks that... well i know of one person that does, but that's a different story. but anyways i'll let my emo bullshit go, because although i may not have self confidence i can fake it, and in the end if you don't have something it's better to fake it and people will believe you (although i just hope that i don't get to the point that Kurt did, otherwise i might die before i finish school).

on another note i'm experiencing the experience of transitioning from childhood to adulthood... my parents sheltered me from that for a long time and i guess at 19, almost 20, i should probably be able to ......

forget that last thought. my biggest problem with things is that i don't believe that i can do them. i check things off in my mind and discard them before i have all the facts. i used to do that very efficiently and all the damn time, and in turn i didn't do anything with my adolescence, i just sat in my room and watched tv. i don't think i ever read a real book until i moved to Kansas, i would read the titles and i would think of creative titles for books, but i didn't know how to make what was in the book fit with the title. that and the fact that i even when i was involved with things i still had too much downtime, senior year of high school i took 2 classes at the university, played baseball and ran track and i still had time to be bored. i wish i had that back, the whole sports and pitching and running and all that, it was a good time.

things i've started but have yet to finish:
writing a book
writing a movie
learning to play the guitar, at least to the ability that i could play a solo or something like that
finishing a record, like sitting down and finishing the chords and melodies and all that
getting straight A's
getting on the honor roll


that's all i can think of at the moment.

i guess all this babbling has to do with the fact that i don't have a very positive self image. oh yeah that and the fact that i'm intimidated by a lot of things, more so people and jobs, but if someone can get my blood hot then i wouldn't think twice about fighting them (that's one thing that has changed for me in the past few years, before i never would fight or even think of fighting someone, i just couldn't bring myself to do such a thing, but now i can seem myself doing it from time to time, that and yelling at someone when i'm pissed off at them.... strange things eh?) but back to that intimidation thing, when i meet someone who i think (i think being the key phrase here) is smarter than i am then i get very intimidated. but the strange thing about it is that when i know, for a fact, that they are smarter than i am i have no problem with it... like Stephanie, i know she's smarter than i am and i'm not intimidated by her or anything like that, i just accept it because it is a fact. that and people that can keep busy are envies of mine. if i could stay busy i'd be in heaven.

i guess all this jibber jabber has to do with the fact that in the back of my head no matter what happens i believe that it's not good enough, i have this drive to prove everyone wrong, to do something great. the only problem is that i don't know how to do something great, i have the desire i just don't have direction.

i need to find that direction.

"how much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?" Tyler Durden.
well i haven't been in a fight for a while, so i'm not sure how much i really know about myself.....

so you wanna fight?

so i haven't written in here for quite a long time, so i figured that i might as well update this thing, because things have happened since i last spoke with you.

it has been since Oct 19th since i last posted, and that wasn't really a post so much as a story that i wrote, as was the one before... i believe. anyways things have been happening...

i finished last semester as i have the prior semesters, with 3 A's and 4 B's, though that will change with this semester, for the simple reason that i don't have that many classes.... well actually i do... but i have an exercise class... and a lab... so those two aren't exactly going to give me letter grades so much as a hot body and a better understanding for the physical world.. anyways last semester finished without a hitch or anything like that.

and now i have a roommate, my buddy Nathan decided that since he didn't have a roommate he might as well be mine. things are working out splendidly.

as far as the semester goes it has started off on the right foot. i got to hang out with someone i've always thought was pretty cool and haven't seen in what seems like forever, so that made for a wonderful night.

the next night i watched Lost in Translation, which was a great movie, although my screen saver on my computer kept coming on and throwing everything off, though it wasn't too awfully terrible.

so to reiterate a point that has come up in the past, Andrea and I have tentatively broken things off, she called it a "break" and apparently i'm basically single and can do as i please.... i think it's pretty interesting and have been taking full advantage of this situation... lol yeah right i just sit in my room like i normally do, except now there's someone else in here to hear my brilliant words... or something like that. but yeah basically i've been hanging out with Nathan and having a good time with the upcoming semester.

and this past evening Nathan and i went over to a buddy's house and we partied it up, until about 215, and then we decided it was time to go back to the cave, and i have been waiting for a certain someone to call me... BAH well i really like my new desktop picture, it's pretty flippin sweet.

Peace, Love and Empathy



JFK2

so i haven't written in here for quite a long time, so i figured that i might as well update this thing, because things have happened since i last spoke with you.

it has been since Oct 19th since i last posted, and that wasn't really a post so much as a story that i wrote, as was the one before... i believe. anyways things have been happening...

i finished last semester as i have the prior semesters, with 3 A's and 4 B's, though that will change with this semester, for the simple reason that i don't have that many classes.... well actually i do... but i have an exercise class... and a lab... so those two aren't exactly going to give me letter grades so much as a hot body and a better understanding for the physical world.. anyways last semester finished without a hitch or anything like that.

and now i have a roommate, my buddy Nathan decided that since he didn't have a roommate he might as well be mine. things are working out splendidly.

as far as the semester goes it has started off on the right foot. i got to hang out with someone i've always thought was pretty cool and haven't seen in what seems like forever, so that made for a wonderful night.

the next night i watched Lost in Translation, which was a great movie, although my screen saver on my computer kept coming on and throwing everything off, though it wasn't too awfully terrible.

so to reiterate a point that has come up in the past, Andrea and I have tentatively broken things off, she called it a "break" and apparently i'm basically single and can do as i please.... i think it's pretty interesting and have been taking full advantage of this situation... lol yeah right i just sit in my room like i normally do, except now there's someone else in here to hear my brilliant words... or something like that. but yeah basically i've been hanging out with Nathan and having a good time with the upcoming semester.

and this past evening Nathan and i went over to a buddy's house and we partied it up, until about 215, and then we decided it was time to go back to the cave, and i have been waiting for a certain someone to call me... BAH well i really like my new desktop picture, it's pretty flippin sweet.

Peace, Love and Empathy



JFK2