Ramblings of a lost soul

in case you didn't know; i think quite a lot, i think all the time about things that i think are deep and full of meaning. though they are things that can't be expressed or ever rationalized to another person. these thoughts are my own and to even try to express them to someone else is impossible.

there are so many things that i would like to write down and think about, things that no one could or would ever know. things that are between me and her and God, that'd be it. things that i'm not even entirely sure about what happened, they'd be best guesses, if that.

i know i shouldn't look back at life, though i've found that if i look ahead it gets me into more trouble than when i turn around. "where have the times gone?" my great grandmother asked me, my reply (which i rather like) "turn around, it's right behind you." i think that statement is soo true, because where else would time be? i mean it's not in front of you. that's all i'm gonna say on that topic at the moment, though stuff could come up later in the post.

i've come to realize that things are clearer right now, things are good and i don't like them. i guess i'm one of those people that when something good happens to them they think about how it's going to end. whenever i say something to someone and there's time between their response and my statement i think of the worst thing possible. like if i say how are you or something like that i expect them to say that they're great, especially since i'm not in their life, just things like that. of like if i say 'i love you' then they'll say something like 'that's nice' or 'i know' those two have been told to me numerous times in the last bunch of months and they drove me into the pits. there is nothing worse than going out on a limb and getting hung out to dry. it's terrible.

on to something else.

i have a bunch of songs and i would like to record them... but i don't have my guitar here and i don't have the songs here. looks like i'll have to wait till i go back home before i can record.

something new

so i've been told by many people that i am a good looking guy. i don't believe them, well at least not most of the time.

i think i'm going to start a new hobby; asking girls out that are out of my league. it should be good fun, cuz i'll have nothing to lose and everything to gain. though Melinda should introduce me to those girls that are single and hot... or Mindy should... i guess whoever shows up can introduce me, lol.

i don't meet new people, they meet me. i'm so introverted that it's not even funny. if people didn't talk to me then i'd have no one to talk to me. though from time to time i do talk to people, but that's only once i have gotten to know them and even then they don't talk back as much as i talk to them.

my life is a math equation where you put in way more than you receive and you get me, that's how it's happened. i love more than i am loved. i guess that love is what i'm talking about when i talk about things like this.

i watched Sunset Boulevard last night, it's a great movie. i need someone else to write stories and movies and stuff with, know anyone? wanna join? anything?