Random thoughts of mine

throughout life there come times when one must examine themselves and evaluate their beliefs. i like how that sentence sounds, but i'm gonna move on to something different here. I'm tired. tired physically and emotionally drained from the last month. these last four weeks have been the best of my life and i would trade them for nothing. i have made new friends and had experiences that i will keep forever. but in the past few days i have realized one things, or rather remembered one thing that i am. i care too much.

in the past month i have been baptized. later that day i realized that it was a mistake. i don't think i even believe in God anymore, i think i'll just let him do his thing and i'll do mine- i'll be indifferent. going to church had become just another thing to occupy my time, it was like going through the motions and i wasn't feeling anything; if anything i was feeling less there than i had before.

i have fallen in love... though it will never be. i'll settle for friendship. i've had a girl fall in love with me and i don't know how to not lead her on. it's terrible and i thought i had an answer to it but i realize now that i don't even have an idea as to how to make things well. fuck it, i don't know.

i thought she liked me (Kenz) but she doesn't. i wrote her a letter... i'll put it in here, cuz i know many people don't read this:

There are many beautiful things in the world. they are all there but most people don't notice all of them. three weeks ago i noticed you and it has caused me to reorganize my relations. i'm not sure if i caught your eye, but you certainly caught mine. i have tried to get you to notice me and i don't think my attempts have worked thus far, at least not how i would have liked them to. so i'll just come out and say them. i think you're a cool person, i would like to get to know you better and hopefully date you. i know there's an age difference but that can be overcome. you are the only girl that i have my eye on and it has been that way for a while now. i would have said something before but i did not want to jepordize a professional relationship between us, i didn't want things to be awkward backstage if the feelings weren't mutual. though right now i realize that i have missed my opportunity to make anything happen here, i guess i'm not one with perfect timing or anything close to it. i apologize if there is anything that i have said to have made you feel awkward or to negatively alter your view of me. thank you for your time and i hope to see you again.

well the letter is something like that, though i hope she doesn't read it right now... hmm, i think i might just read it to her and see her reaction. who knows? i certainly have no idea.

behind every joke there is some truth, behind every insult there is some truth. that is what i think every time someone insults me. that's why it hurts so much.

i hate down time, i need to be somewhere doing something with someone or else i get all lame and stuff like this.

she's not going to call me, i thought that right after i asked her to call me. boy do i have bad timing... i should work on that.

i don't like this whole being single thing and playing the field, because i get lost in it from time to time and i don't like it.

here's some other stuff that i've written down in the recent past:

i like her har, the color complements her skin.
i like her eyes, i could imagine getting lost in them for hours.
i love her smile and how it brightens up her whole face.
i would complement her other features, but i haven't gotten to them yet.

that wasn't a poem or anything like that... i just spaced it like that.

a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts.

i wrote a song... or the fragment of a song from that last sentence. i'll put it in here:
A drunk man’s words
Are a sober man’s thoughts
With that said, it lead to this
That I do desire to kiss
Your smile again
To pass the test, again
To run my fingers through
Your jet black hair-
Move your earrings
To kiss you there

When our tongues are tied
I have not a thought
To drift me some other way
For the moonlight on your face
Reminds me that I occupy this space
Though I be not the only one

You say he’s smoother,
That you love him so
Will never let him go
But I’m content with
Second place,
Standing here on second base

Oh, let us toast to this, our little secret
For if news of this got out
It will tear us apart
At the very delicate seams

that's what i have so far, it is no where near complete.

i have another song, but i think i'll save it for later. i'm going to write a song for my great friend Mindy, she asked me to record one for her.. so i guess i should write one especially for her. i think that'd be nice.

Sex changes everything was the last thing i remember, until now. sitting with my legs dangling off my top bunk. how far do you think the floor is? how about from the 4th floor to the cement? i didn't think i gave her enough to feel this empty. yeah she was right, sex does change everything. how far did i say it was to the cement?

i wrote that last one....

every time i'm in a plane and there's turbulance i pray for some sort of mechanical failure, something that will cause us to crash.

i'm so pessimistic that it's not even funny. the only way that i don't implode is i like to think that i have control over my thoughts. at least that's what i'd like to think.

something else that i wrote... another song

If I ever told you I loved you, it was a lie
I gave that up long ago
I said I’d hug you but
That’s as far as things go for us

For the love I lost was dear to me
Have you ever had to bury your only friend?
On the eve of the day you met?
The scar still pierces my naked heart

Sounding and the rest is salt
It was all my fault
I wanted her to open up,
Crack the shell, like a nut
But with that little crack
The egg spoiled inside out

Two hundred thirty years is a long time together
But a day alone makes the years seem but a wink
Don’t fret my dear, I will be near you in only hours
And I will be sure to bring your favorite flowers

want anything else? ask me about it.

Peace, Love and Empathy



Jon Fitzgerald Kaleugher II