Thoughts... what else?

have you ever tried to manufacture feelings for someone or something in order to add depth when none was there before? well i've tried to do that. i tried to make myself hate someone so that i could write songs about it... it worked for a short amount of time but now i find myself realizing that those feelings of hatred aren't there, they never were there and they never will be. i can't loathe someone that i don't, it's just not something that i do. i can's love someone for the sake of loving them, i can't have sex with someone just for the joy of having sex, for the simple reason that there needs to be something there, in order to have sex there needs to be mutual love there or else it's like masturbating and completely unrewarding, at least that's my take on the subject matter.

i need something to happen, so that i can write some songs, so that i can reorder my creativity. when i speak of something i mean something emotionally, something that has the potential to engulf me, to suck me in and not let me out. like after i realized that Andrea was gone, that gave me quite a bit of material, or when i grew tired of history; i wrote my favorite song after i realized that. i'll be going to Denver in about 6 weeks, so that'll give me something to write about.

perspective girlfriends/ prospects/ girls i think about from time to time: zero....

man Kansas is boring.... i'll be getting out of here once i get through with college. start a band, be in a band with a member of the 27 club and be on VH1 because of it. i just have to get my masters before i decide to do that, that way i'll have something to talk about.


why do i tell Andrea everything? i was wondering that question yesterday.

i came up with an answer: i regard her as my best friend, or at least the closest thing that i've had to a best friend in my life. i tell her everything because i feel comfortable talking to her, because i love her- not in the bf gf sense, but in the way you love your family, in the way you love your pets, in the way you love you friend's children- i love her in the sense that i'd do anything for her because i care; it's not so much love, love should be stricken from the record. i tell her everything because i care and although she doesn't tell me anything i can tell her everything because i know she'll understand where it's coming from. it's just hard when it's not mutual- this whole stream of consciousness thing brings out somethings that my conscious doesn't regard as true, but my subconscious must because why would i type it if it wasn't something that i felt or have felt?


And so it goes....