Lauren Graham = smoking hot

over the past week, well i guess ever since i started back at school i have been troubled by an event, not some world event (although there are plenty of those to be troubled by) but an event that i experienced, it involves a girl that i wouldn't mind seeing on a regular basis, it's just that she doesn't see things the same way. Phooey (i didn't realize that that last word was a real one... ) anyways i have been running things through my mind and have come up with a million things i could have done differently, said and there's always the "well i shouldn't have done that anyways" but alas i can't change the past, though i can certainly dwell in it.

another thing that has been on my mind in the past few days is "what makes me so unlikable?" i mean there's got to be something. i mean i may be cocky and arrogant and all that but it's a facade, it helps me hide my insecurities and my lack of self confidence. well with that said although i am those things i don't think that i'm an ugly guy or anything like that, i think i'm a fairly attractive guy, it's just that i don't think anyone else thinks that... well i know of one person that does, but that's a different story. but anyways i'll let my emo bullshit go, because although i may not have self confidence i can fake it, and in the end if you don't have something it's better to fake it and people will believe you (although i just hope that i don't get to the point that Kurt did, otherwise i might die before i finish school).

on another note i'm experiencing the experience of transitioning from childhood to adulthood... my parents sheltered me from that for a long time and i guess at 19, almost 20, i should probably be able to ......

forget that last thought. my biggest problem with things is that i don't believe that i can do them. i check things off in my mind and discard them before i have all the facts. i used to do that very efficiently and all the damn time, and in turn i didn't do anything with my adolescence, i just sat in my room and watched tv. i don't think i ever read a real book until i moved to Kansas, i would read the titles and i would think of creative titles for books, but i didn't know how to make what was in the book fit with the title. that and the fact that i even when i was involved with things i still had too much downtime, senior year of high school i took 2 classes at the university, played baseball and ran track and i still had time to be bored. i wish i had that back, the whole sports and pitching and running and all that, it was a good time.

things i've started but have yet to finish:
writing a book
writing a movie
learning to play the guitar, at least to the ability that i could play a solo or something like that
finishing a record, like sitting down and finishing the chords and melodies and all that
getting straight A's
getting on the honor roll


that's all i can think of at the moment.

i guess all this babbling has to do with the fact that i don't have a very positive self image. oh yeah that and the fact that i'm intimidated by a lot of things, more so people and jobs, but if someone can get my blood hot then i wouldn't think twice about fighting them (that's one thing that has changed for me in the past few years, before i never would fight or even think of fighting someone, i just couldn't bring myself to do such a thing, but now i can seem myself doing it from time to time, that and yelling at someone when i'm pissed off at them.... strange things eh?) but back to that intimidation thing, when i meet someone who i think (i think being the key phrase here) is smarter than i am then i get very intimidated. but the strange thing about it is that when i know, for a fact, that they are smarter than i am i have no problem with it... like Stephanie, i know she's smarter than i am and i'm not intimidated by her or anything like that, i just accept it because it is a fact. that and people that can keep busy are envies of mine. if i could stay busy i'd be in heaven.

i guess all this jibber jabber has to do with the fact that in the back of my head no matter what happens i believe that it's not good enough, i have this drive to prove everyone wrong, to do something great. the only problem is that i don't know how to do something great, i have the desire i just don't have direction.

i need to find that direction.

"how much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?" Tyler Durden.
well i haven't been in a fight for a while, so i'm not sure how much i really know about myself.....

so you wanna fight?

so i haven't written in here for quite a long time, so i figured that i might as well update this thing, because things have happened since i last spoke with you.

it has been since Oct 19th since i last posted, and that wasn't really a post so much as a story that i wrote, as was the one before... i believe. anyways things have been happening...

i finished last semester as i have the prior semesters, with 3 A's and 4 B's, though that will change with this semester, for the simple reason that i don't have that many classes.... well actually i do... but i have an exercise class... and a lab... so those two aren't exactly going to give me letter grades so much as a hot body and a better understanding for the physical world.. anyways last semester finished without a hitch or anything like that.

and now i have a roommate, my buddy Nathan decided that since he didn't have a roommate he might as well be mine. things are working out splendidly.

as far as the semester goes it has started off on the right foot. i got to hang out with someone i've always thought was pretty cool and haven't seen in what seems like forever, so that made for a wonderful night.

the next night i watched Lost in Translation, which was a great movie, although my screen saver on my computer kept coming on and throwing everything off, though it wasn't too awfully terrible.

so to reiterate a point that has come up in the past, Andrea and I have tentatively broken things off, she called it a "break" and apparently i'm basically single and can do as i please.... i think it's pretty interesting and have been taking full advantage of this situation... lol yeah right i just sit in my room like i normally do, except now there's someone else in here to hear my brilliant words... or something like that. but yeah basically i've been hanging out with Nathan and having a good time with the upcoming semester.

and this past evening Nathan and i went over to a buddy's house and we partied it up, until about 215, and then we decided it was time to go back to the cave, and i have been waiting for a certain someone to call me... BAH well i really like my new desktop picture, it's pretty flippin sweet.

Peace, Love and Empathy



JFK2

so i haven't written in here for quite a long time, so i figured that i might as well update this thing, because things have happened since i last spoke with you.

it has been since Oct 19th since i last posted, and that wasn't really a post so much as a story that i wrote, as was the one before... i believe. anyways things have been happening...

i finished last semester as i have the prior semesters, with 3 A's and 4 B's, though that will change with this semester, for the simple reason that i don't have that many classes.... well actually i do... but i have an exercise class... and a lab... so those two aren't exactly going to give me letter grades so much as a hot body and a better understanding for the physical world.. anyways last semester finished without a hitch or anything like that.

and now i have a roommate, my buddy Nathan decided that since he didn't have a roommate he might as well be mine. things are working out splendidly.

as far as the semester goes it has started off on the right foot. i got to hang out with someone i've always thought was pretty cool and haven't seen in what seems like forever, so that made for a wonderful night.

the next night i watched Lost in Translation, which was a great movie, although my screen saver on my computer kept coming on and throwing everything off, though it wasn't too awfully terrible.

so to reiterate a point that has come up in the past, Andrea and I have tentatively broken things off, she called it a "break" and apparently i'm basically single and can do as i please.... i think it's pretty interesting and have been taking full advantage of this situation... lol yeah right i just sit in my room like i normally do, except now there's someone else in here to hear my brilliant words... or something like that. but yeah basically i've been hanging out with Nathan and having a good time with the upcoming semester.

and this past evening Nathan and i went over to a buddy's house and we partied it up, until about 215, and then we decided it was time to go back to the cave, and i have been waiting for a certain someone to call me... BAH well i really like my new desktop picture, it's pretty flippin sweet.

Peace, Love and Empathy



JFK2