She's Alive

There once was this girl, there was nothing special about her, nothing that would cause her to stick out of a crowd of her peers. But she did have one thing that others did not. She had the unconditional love of her family, through thick and thin they were always there for her. The day of her graduation she got dressed in her cap and gown, she went over her “head of class” speech a couple times, ironing out the kinks in it before she left. On her way she stopped at a stop light and when it was her turn to go she drove into the intersection, when she got about half way out a car slammed into hers, killing her instantly.

Earlier that day her little brother, of about 10, wanted to ride with her to the graduation. He loved her more than anything else in his life, every chance he had to be with her he capitalized on. And she enjoyed having him around, they were best friends. Her friends used to joke that it looked like she was dating a 10 year old, robbing the cradle. She would always laugh, hoping one day to meet a man who would love her with the same passion that her little brother did.

Her family arrived at the ceremony and they began looking for her, so that they could take the final pictures and wish her luck before it all started. They looked and looked and they looked for her car, which wasn’t there. Then they began worrying and called the police. They described her car and when her mother was done the officer said that she needed to come down to the station as soon as possible.

On the way over to the station they passed by the scene of an accident. Her father noted that it looked to be the same car, but the officer at the scene told them to continue on. The arrived at the station a few minutes later and the officer told them the grim news. Their daughter had been killed by another motorist. The driver had run a red light and she had died instantly. She never knew what hit her.

Upon hearing the news her mother fell to the ground, not a sound escaped her tightly clenched mouth. Her father bent down to comfort her. “lets get out of here” he said to his wife. They drove to a place that they had not gone to since they were teenagers, the so called make out cove. A cliff outside of town with a beautiful view of the surrounding area. It was deserted, most of those that frequented the area were at the festivities. They got out and sat on the hood of their car, holding each other, hoping that they’d wake up from this dream. Then there was a quiet knocking. The husband looked around and he had no clue what it was, but it continued. Louder this time and more frequent. “Damn woodpeckers!” he thought.

A few more minutes passed and he felt something, and when he looked around his wife was not in his arms. Then he opened his eyes to his daughter trying to wake him up. “daddy it’s time for your breakfast” she said quietly. Then his eyes started to water and he sat up in bed and gave her a big bear hug, bawling his eyes out. “what’s the matter daddy?” “I thought I’d lost you, honey. In my dream you died.” “yeah, well things happen daddy.”
He heard the door creak and looked up. His wife of 35 years was standing in the doorway. He was sitting there with his arms wrapped around a large section of blanket. He looked up to his wife’s face, she knew what was happening, it had been going on for the better part of the past 15 years, since she had died.

She walked over to him and sat next to him. “she’s gone jack, gone” “no, no, she’s not. She’s still alive!” “yes dear, she’s alive in each one of our hearts” “She was here, I was hugging her, I saw her, she’s still alive.”

Random thoughts of mine

throughout life there come times when one must examine themselves and evaluate their beliefs. i like how that sentence sounds, but i'm gonna move on to something different here. I'm tired. tired physically and emotionally drained from the last month. these last four weeks have been the best of my life and i would trade them for nothing. i have made new friends and had experiences that i will keep forever. but in the past few days i have realized one things, or rather remembered one thing that i am. i care too much.

in the past month i have been baptized. later that day i realized that it was a mistake. i don't think i even believe in God anymore, i think i'll just let him do his thing and i'll do mine- i'll be indifferent. going to church had become just another thing to occupy my time, it was like going through the motions and i wasn't feeling anything; if anything i was feeling less there than i had before.

i have fallen in love... though it will never be. i'll settle for friendship. i've had a girl fall in love with me and i don't know how to not lead her on. it's terrible and i thought i had an answer to it but i realize now that i don't even have an idea as to how to make things well. fuck it, i don't know.

i thought she liked me (Kenz) but she doesn't. i wrote her a letter... i'll put it in here, cuz i know many people don't read this:

There are many beautiful things in the world. they are all there but most people don't notice all of them. three weeks ago i noticed you and it has caused me to reorganize my relations. i'm not sure if i caught your eye, but you certainly caught mine. i have tried to get you to notice me and i don't think my attempts have worked thus far, at least not how i would have liked them to. so i'll just come out and say them. i think you're a cool person, i would like to get to know you better and hopefully date you. i know there's an age difference but that can be overcome. you are the only girl that i have my eye on and it has been that way for a while now. i would have said something before but i did not want to jepordize a professional relationship between us, i didn't want things to be awkward backstage if the feelings weren't mutual. though right now i realize that i have missed my opportunity to make anything happen here, i guess i'm not one with perfect timing or anything close to it. i apologize if there is anything that i have said to have made you feel awkward or to negatively alter your view of me. thank you for your time and i hope to see you again.

well the letter is something like that, though i hope she doesn't read it right now... hmm, i think i might just read it to her and see her reaction. who knows? i certainly have no idea.

behind every joke there is some truth, behind every insult there is some truth. that is what i think every time someone insults me. that's why it hurts so much.

i hate down time, i need to be somewhere doing something with someone or else i get all lame and stuff like this.

she's not going to call me, i thought that right after i asked her to call me. boy do i have bad timing... i should work on that.

i don't like this whole being single thing and playing the field, because i get lost in it from time to time and i don't like it.

here's some other stuff that i've written down in the recent past:

i like her har, the color complements her skin.
i like her eyes, i could imagine getting lost in them for hours.
i love her smile and how it brightens up her whole face.
i would complement her other features, but i haven't gotten to them yet.

that wasn't a poem or anything like that... i just spaced it like that.

a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts.

i wrote a song... or the fragment of a song from that last sentence. i'll put it in here:
A drunk man’s words
Are a sober man’s thoughts
With that said, it lead to this
That I do desire to kiss
Your smile again
To pass the test, again
To run my fingers through
Your jet black hair-
Move your earrings
To kiss you there

When our tongues are tied
I have not a thought
To drift me some other way
For the moonlight on your face
Reminds me that I occupy this space
Though I be not the only one

You say he’s smoother,
That you love him so
Will never let him go
But I’m content with
Second place,
Standing here on second base

Oh, let us toast to this, our little secret
For if news of this got out
It will tear us apart
At the very delicate seams

that's what i have so far, it is no where near complete.

i have another song, but i think i'll save it for later. i'm going to write a song for my great friend Mindy, she asked me to record one for her.. so i guess i should write one especially for her. i think that'd be nice.

Sex changes everything was the last thing i remember, until now. sitting with my legs dangling off my top bunk. how far do you think the floor is? how about from the 4th floor to the cement? i didn't think i gave her enough to feel this empty. yeah she was right, sex does change everything. how far did i say it was to the cement?

i wrote that last one....

every time i'm in a plane and there's turbulance i pray for some sort of mechanical failure, something that will cause us to crash.

i'm so pessimistic that it's not even funny. the only way that i don't implode is i like to think that i have control over my thoughts. at least that's what i'd like to think.

something else that i wrote... another song

If I ever told you I loved you, it was a lie
I gave that up long ago
I said I’d hug you but
That’s as far as things go for us

For the love I lost was dear to me
Have you ever had to bury your only friend?
On the eve of the day you met?
The scar still pierces my naked heart

Sounding and the rest is salt
It was all my fault
I wanted her to open up,
Crack the shell, like a nut
But with that little crack
The egg spoiled inside out

Two hundred thirty years is a long time together
But a day alone makes the years seem but a wink
Don’t fret my dear, I will be near you in only hours
And I will be sure to bring your favorite flowers

want anything else? ask me about it.

Peace, Love and Empathy



Jon Fitzgerald Kaleugher II

Such a beautiful view

so this is the view from the top? well i guess i'm not on top yet but i still like this view. sorry i haven't been updating in the recent past.... but ya know i only have one reader, Mindy, and i tell her stuff when i talk to her during the week.

so yeah play practice is getting tedious, i can't stand it anymore... thanks Stephanie for dragging me to auditions... though i can now say that i've played Judge Ha(w)thorne in a production, and it's such a great play too.

over the past week i've gotten a make over from the lovely Natalie and Hayley, and i gotta say that it's been fun. also i've learned that from my upbringing i am extremely sarcastic and i should stop being sarcastic to the degree that i have been.. anyways. they dyed my hair a lighter brown on Monday.. or was it sunday? one of those two days and i got it cut on tuesday and we went shopping on monday. i gotta say that i like how i look, i think it's great. i got my butt smacked a couple times when i was wearing the new pants that i got.... apparently it adds "a little wiggle that wasn't noticable before" according to Natalie. But yeah that whole thing is going great and i can't wait till friday, it'll be great. oh yeah and after the play and i guess after spring break i'm gonna dye it again and put highlites in it, it should be good... at least that's what Hayley and Natalie say.

i wrote a letter that i would like someone to proof read, if you would like to then let me know and i'll get you a copy.

i can't wait till Friday night! it's gonna be freaking awesome! Mock's comin down and we're gonna have a good ole time.

i like having short hair, that way i can take 5 minute showers, and that includes standing under the water for 2 minutes getting wet.

i have realized that musically i don't have a "sound" and i think that i should at least have an idea of what my "sound" should me. well hopefully i'll be able to find it when i get to record stuff at Zac's house during Spring Break and when i get the chance to stay up late and just play my guitar.

"The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you"

that lyric has been stuck in my head for a little while, Dear Prudence by the Beatles, check it out if you get the chance.

I am content with my life, though there is the thing standing in my way that, once i get it resolved, will make me stronger and i revel in things of that sort.